Sunday, December 28, 2008

It is very what is it so hard?

Ok so I follow the WW plan and they lay it out and make it very get to eat x amount of points, write down what you eat and journal it. They even added a box to list how hungry you feel during the day and to mark off how many waters you drank....easy right?

Well why is it so hard I am not starving, my blood sugar isn't to low, and I surely don't need it WHY CAN'T I STAY ON POINT AT ALL THIS WEEK? It shouldn't be hard. So here is what I have been doing
I make myself drink water or crystal light before I put that item in my mouth
I look up the points for it so I know and I list it....even though I see it will put me over my points
I know I eat cause I am bored I need to stay away from the kitchen.

I really wanted to make it to 259 this week but I doubt that will happen. ughh this sucks!

I have really hit a plateau here I have been in the 260 since Oct/Nov can't remember the exact date but it has been over a month and that is just driving me insane!

Ok Jalen is waking...goodnight!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Kinda Fun

Saw on another blog and wanted to do my own version LOL
I LIVE: right where I am suppose to be
I WORK: for 4 of the hardest bosses in the world!
I THINK: way to much and need to just do it
I SMELL: and it takes me back to various places and stages in my life
I LISTEN: and love the stolen silent moments of life
I HIDE: because sometimes it is easier to be the fun Michelle rather than myself
I WALK: to lose weight NOT for the fun of it
I WRITE: because one day I will write a book
I SING: when anyone is listening
I WATCH: and wonder what they will grow up like
I DAYDREAM: about my children's weddings
I WANT: to live a long healthy life
I CRIED:over money 4 days ago
I READ: the news on the computer
I LOVE: my family
I SOMETIMES: wish we could buy my grandma's house
I FEAR: that I will not succeed at this weight loss on my own without surgery
I HOPE:that my children know how much I love them
I EAT: sometimes for the wrong reasons but I am trying to change that to I eat to live!
I DRINK: a lot less than I used too ;)
I PLAY: with my longer sitting on the couch
I MISS: my friends in NJ
I FORGIVE: but never forget
I DREAM: a lot of little dreams
I KISS: way to little
I HUG: my husband at least 5 times a day
I HAVE: 132 extra lbs on me as of today that will one day be gone!
I REMEMBER: the day we left and life changed for me a 6 year old kid....Dec 18, 1980
I DONT: like when people are mean
I BELIEVE: in my husband and our vows
I OWE: my family for so much more than I ever tell them
I KNOW: one day they will know
I HATE: some of the things people do

WI in earlier than expected

Let me just say this has been a trying week. But it just got worse. Jalen my 5 month old little man may have MRSA yes the flesh eating disease. I am freaking out. We had his little finger lanced and they sent samples to the lab. I was going to WI on Wed with my WW buddies at a different location as our location is closed for the holiday but we have a follow up appt to check his finger on Wed at the same meeting time. So I was at the gym today for my daughters practice and was going to leave to go to WI but she was crying she was sick BUT WOULD NOT LEAVE UGHHHH so I stayed the 3 hours. I quick ran to a WI as they were closing and I AM DOWN 3.4 lbs! Ok so I didn't lose the entire amount from last week's 3.8 gain with the jeans and sweater on but heck almost and that is good enough for me I am maintaining I figure and that is wonderful considering the chocolate chips I have been eating....I am not making the darn cookies I just eat a few chocolate chips during the day LOL

So Mikayla is on her 2nd dose or meds for pink eye.
Zoe is getting pink eye we think and we will ask the dr. tomorrow about her.
Mya is battling a stomach bug that hurts her tummy no throwing up thank God and a fever with bad 3 will be in the dr with us in the am to be checked too.
Jalen either has a staph, strep or MRSA on his middle finger....of course I am worried I gave it to him coming home from the gym touching his little finger....ughh
I don't have it and no one else in the family does so we are going to see what they say about that in the dr. too.

Wishing everyone reading this a wonderful Christmas and if you are on this weight loss journey like me I hope your scales stay the same over this week or they only go down...NO UPS!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Someone NOTICED!!!!

Ok so today I went out in my old jeans they were huge and almost coming off me but I was just feeling blah today and it was a rough night. 3 of 4 kids were up with belly aches, fevers etc. So I was tired when it was time to get up for gymnastics at 9am today and a holiday party afterwards...ugh
Well a mom at Gymnastics and me were talking she said I just have to ask what have you been doing lately cause you are really losing a lot of weight. I said THANK YOU for noticing cause no one has really said anything. She said oh no it is really noticeable. I wanted to kiss her LOL. So I told her about WW and she said really I joined WW at my job and I just started it. We talked for the next 20 minutes about what works for us and what doesn't planning for Christmas etc. I was just so happy!

It is really working this time!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

People Changing

Ok so since I have lost this 50+ pounds I have noticed people changing. Is it because I am changing? Maybe I walk a little more confident, maybe it is the way I no longer look away when they talk to me how I hold eye contact with them? But I have been taken aback lately by the guys when I get to a stop sign how they stop and look, or the guys who beep as they drive by and wave, or even people that I have known for awhile how they look differently at me. It is complimentary but at the same time for someone who has been a look away type of person all her life it is a bit odd.

.....a true friend will lift you up along the way not find ways to knock you down. I am thankful for my true friends and even for the ones that have taught me life lessons.

I am up 3.8 lbs this week in weigh in but this is the 1st time I weighed in wearing jeans and a sweater....I had a function before weigh in and I couldn't get home to change. I anticipate this weigh in to be huge because I will be back in my tee and light pants. They said my jeans easily weigh 1-2 lbs.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Throw out the freakin pizza

So here I sit it is 10:06 pm EST and we had pizza for dinner 4 hours ago. I went to work on the scale and I am up 2 lbs....still have 3 more days until I get weighed in I will get that weight off........UGH but anyway I came home mad and ate another slice of on the phone talking to a friend ate another piece of pizza....hung up with my friend and the pizza is next to where the phone is on the counter and ate one more slice of pizza. In total I have had 5 slices of pizza tonight...........oh and did I mention I ate 5 Christmas cookies today that were 3 points each? What is wrong with me????????????????????????

I just read a post from a woman who comments on my blog and her grandpa would always say Walk it off....well as she calls him Booka.....I will do what he says he must be a wise man! I am going to go walking tomorrow since I will only have 1 child while the other 3 are in school and it is going to be in the high 50's I will bundle up the baby and go walking at the track. I will walk off these damn 5 pieces of pizza and 5 cookies, plus the chick fil a sandwich I had today....but I didn't order fries! Doesn't that count for anything? I am going to walk it off and I am coming to realize if I don't make it to my goal to be in the 240's by the end of the week that is ok. As long as I am out of the 260's I can deal with it.....but I badly want to be 248....can't say I so want to be because if I was serious about it I would not have eaten 5 cookies and 5 slices of pizza....go ahead smack my hand thru the computer I know you want to!

For the rest of the week cereal and a ww meal for dinner that is all that I am eating!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Down 2.2 YEA!!!!

Well I lost another 2.2 lbs. I am thinking the days I go to the gym I am losing a pound a day. I went 2x this week and lost 2 lbs. The week before went 3 times lost 3 lbs. Hmmmm maybe I need to go 3x a day 7 days a week and drop 21 lbs!

I am just glad I am down. I am looking forward to being in the 250's. My goal is to be out of the 240's by the end of January. So I have 22 lbs to lose in about 7-8 weeks. I know I can do it I need to focus and plan, journal, and EXERCISE!

Nothing can stop me oh and did I mention...........

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Something on my mind

Mikayla lost a cheerleader friend yesterday. Madison was only 8 years old and got a cold. She woke up coughing on Thursday night Dec 4th and started to choke while coughing. Her parents said she could just never catch her breath the coughing was so bad. She couldn't get any air in. They called 911 she was taken via ambulance to the hospital where they decided to airlift her to a huge hospital about a hour away. By 6 pm on Dec 5th the Dr. told her parents to decide to keep her on life support forever or pull the plug. They decided to pull the plug. Today is Saturday one day since they lost dear sweet Maddie and they were at the girls float today for the parade the girls were going to be marching in where MADDIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN. I saw them and tears filled my eyes but I couldn't go to them. I couldn't say anything....anything I had to say would have been useless. I just looked at them....looked at my girls and baby boy and prayed that somehow God would find a way to help them in this every parents nightmare. The coach told me she saw them along the parade route waving to the girls. I bet today they left and went to the funeral home, probably made arrangements for Maddie. My heart aches for them and I pray for them as I will for sometime. So if you are reading this and can spare a prayer please pray for Maddie and her family and friends.

My girls asked where baby's came from I said they were always in my heart. They asked if I had any other baby's in my heart after I had Jalen I said no I don't think so but you never can tell with God's great plan. So Mya said when I told her and Mikayla about Maddie-"what happens to the babies in her heart mommy?" I told her Maddie was a blessed little girl who didn't have to wait until she got older to meet her babies she got to meet them in heaven when she met God.

Rest in God's arms Maddie until your mommy and daddy are finally home with you in heaven.


Ok so I have been saying I wanted to be 113 lbs. It was in my goal range for my weight but never really saw it before in person. Well today I met a mom in my WW meeting who is my height and 133. OMG She is so skinny she is a lifetime member I never would want to be a 113 that is just very skinny for my height and for me and I don't see how I would ever get to that point. So my goal is 130....yes 130 the weight I was in the 3rd grade the same grade as my daughter but thankfully she isn't anywhere near 130 lbs.

Join me on my journey as I find the skinny under my fat and get to 130 lbs.

3.2 lbs GONE!

Well I went to get weighed and thought I would be down 3 lbs I had been weighing myself at the gym. I am so glad to see the scale finally going down again rather than up like it has for November. I saw how much my body needs the gym. I have also realized how much I missed the quiet time at the gym away from the family. Erik is gone from the house all day working I am home with the 4 kids running around all over the place trying to maintain a home. But at night I take that hour and sometimes longer for myself and I enjoy that time. At first I hated sweating. I grew to like sweating feeling like my weight was coming off with each bead of sweat. Than I started to run.....I like to run....I don't love it yet but I think I could. Not sure really yet but I feel so powerful running all 264 lbs of me running praying I won't break the treadmill....praying it doesn't have a 250 lbs weight limit on it.

I know that with my hard work I will be down in the low 250's this month. I KNOW I CAN DO IT! So I will strive for that this month and share in this journey as I get below my 1st child's pregnancy weight and my wedding day weight. I was in the very low 200's when I met Erik and I thought I was cute. I can't even begin to imagine what I will be like at goal.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Good Bye November.....Moving on!

I am so glad November is over I can pick myself up and keep moving. I went to WI and gain 1 lb. ughhh But I am not going to let it take me down. I will keep going, keep losing and sometimes have a set back for a month at a time even as this month has shown me. But it concerns me.
1. my mom came to visit and I had 2 weeks of trying to get back on point to get down 4.4 lbs.
2. why couldn't I control my urge to eat those damn pies?
3. why didn't I get my fat butt up to work out at the gym not just the dvd at home?

I will get down at least 10 lbs this month. I can assure you. I am going to get to the 250's before the new year!

Hope for the new year
End of Month
Dec 255
Jan 242
Feb 230
March 218
April 205
May 193
June 180
July 167
Aug 154
Sept 142
Oct 130
Nov 118
Dec 113 Goal

Monday, November 24, 2008

Measurement Day!

Measurements: Sept 22, 2008
Calf 20 inches
Arm 14 inches
Thigh 30 inches
Waist 59 inches
Bust 48 inches

Measurements: October 25, 2008
Calf 18.5 inches -1.5
Arm 12.5 inches -1.5
Thigh 26 inches -4
Waist 55 inches -4
Bust 43 inches -5

Measurements: November 24, 2008
Calf: 18.5 inches stayed the same but looks different I am building some muscle!
Arm: 12 inches -.5 total down 2 inches
Thigh: 22 inches -4 inches down 8 inches total
Waist: 52 inches -2 grand total down 6 inches
Bust: 39.5 inches -3.5 inches total down 7.5 inches

DOWN 25 INCHES TOTAL since September 22

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Almost did it

Well I wanted to lose 5 lbs this week....but I came close 4.4 lbs! I am very happy. I decided that this week I am going to do it I am going to lose 6.6 this coming week. I have to be down 10 lbs this month. I lost 6.6 a few weeks ago I can do it again.
I have been on point all day and will stick to the plan no splurges...good thing I hate Thanksgiving food HAHA and I am weighing in a day earlier on Wednesday since Thur is Turkey day.
I am working out every change I can get. I walked 3 miles tonight and tomorrow I will walk while my daughter has her class at the Rec center. After that I might drop her off and go to the gym or go tomorrow night and let hubby watch the kids.
The weekend I will have to do some major walking because the gym will be closed. I only have Mon and Tues to work out at the gym since Wed I weigh in at 10am. ughhh
I could do it Friday but I might have a slice or two of pie since that is pretty much all I like from Thanksgiving food.
So next week be on the lookout for 6.6 lbs of me gone!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Recent Photo



I go to weigh in tomorrow....I hope I did good!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Up Up Up.....

I gained 2.2 lbs this past week. My mom came to town for Halloween and I haven't really gotten into the groove of working out again. I am so upset with myself I can't stop working out cause I have visitors....she should have been working out with me....I only say this because she complains she wants to lose weight too. But she left I am up for 2 weeks. I have recommitted and decided this week I am going to lose 5 lbs. I went back to the gym and I RAN YES I RAN! I decided to follow the distance on the machine and for .5 I would walk at 3.5 mph than for .5 I would run at 4.5 mph so I walked 1/2 mile and ran 1/2 a mile. I than did the elliptical for 15 minutes and rode 4 miles on the bike. I didn't work out last night because Mya has a gymnastics meeting and the gym was closing when I could have gone. I did go to Walmart to get walk away the pounds and I walked the 4 miles on the dvd. Mikayla even did the entire 4 miles too!

It is Saturday morning and I had my fiber 1 bar and a 2 pt muffin I made. So I had 5 points so far today. I am going to focus this week on working out

I did the 4 mile walk already this morning with Mya and Mikayla.

My schedule will be

Mon walk dvd in am, gym for a hour at night

Tues walk dvd in am, plus walk at the track for a hour, gym a hour at night

Wed walk in am at the track, walk dvd at home mid day and gym at night

Thur walk dvd in mid day and gym at night

Fri walk in am at the track, dvd mid day and gym at night

Sat walk dvd in am

Sun walk dvd in am and if warm enough walk at the track

I also will be working on staying on point this entire week. I have been doing it I THINK. I have not written in my food journal in ages but I am making a committment to do it and stick to it.

The weird thing is I can tell I gained 2 lbs who knew I could feel that? It doesn't feel good and it sucks that I was in the 260's and have gained those 2 lbs have gone back into the 270's....I NEVER WANTED TO GO BACK! But in this time I take to lose this weight I plan on having some ups and downs so I am not letting this knock me down.

Here I am Michelle at 271 lbs and not loving it but dealing with it and realizing I CAN DO THIS but it is HARD WORK!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Feeling so good

Ok so I have to tell ya I went up 8 oz this week in Weight Watchers. Ok so I will survive. But I am feeling so good. I lost 45 lbs so far, I am wearing new clothes from the Regular Size stores, and I am beginning to realize my true friends.

I am feeling good....letting go of weight, people I thought were friends, and releasing my feelings that I should just settle because I am to damn good to settle I deserve the best and will shoot for and get the best!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween Sucks!

Well Halloween came and I had a party here....way to much junk food. I actually returned 60.00 worth of junk food today to Walmart cause I didn't want it in the house and I bought it for the party. I went walking/running today cause I was eating way to bad this entire weekend.
Here are some samples
  • chocolate cake with cool whipped topping about 3-4 slices
  • lots of chocolate peanut butter candy from the kids bags
  • sugar cookies I made
  • regular soda not diet

What was I thinking? So today me and Mikayla walked to the park and I started running. I decided to run to make myself work harder to get that extra food off of me. But I know that this is not going to destroy me so I am going to work on getting back on point today so I can continue to lose weight.

Next year I need to think of a better plan for Halloween!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

45 Lbs less of me!

Today I went to my weigh in and I lost 3.4 lbs...I made my 10% at Weight Watchers and I also reached 45 lbs....5 lbs short of my goal of 50 lbs by Halloween....ok so it is 5 lbs not a double digit so I am ok with that....close but no cigar.

I am very excited to see this weight going bye bye. I have my mom coming into visit this weekend from Florida and I keep thinking I want her to take me shopping but I think I want to wait to get clothes until I am even less. Although I do need a few pieces so we might do some shopping.

So where do I stand? I am 268 lbs it sounds so good compared to 313 but still 268 is big. I keep telling myself that it didn't come on over night so I am working with that in mind. I know it will come off....I need to keep some things up....
Following my points which went down with this weight loss
Make wise food choices

Speaking of exercise I am doing this program couch to 5k. I have started running in the gym on the treadmill. I tell ya it is that first step being scared to take it. I did it and I have lived to tell it. I have been running on it for about 2-3 weeks. I don't run long not a mile or anything I time it in minutes. I have also run down the road by my house....I was scared of critters coming out and I decided to was great motivation!!! I am not sure that I will ever be a runner it is not something I have ever wanted to be actually but I could see myself getting into weight training. I do enjoy working on my muscles and feeling the burn ;)

I will tell you what my mom said when she sees me. She last saw me at my highest weight when I had my son. The son who will never remember having a fat mother.

I promise I am Skinny Under My Fat!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The shrinking woman....

Here I am 16 inches smaller!

43 pounds lighter!

Top picture is from 3 days ago....bottom one is at my highest weight 313 lbs.

OK I decided since I was feeling like crap to measure myself maybe that will pick me up here is where I stand
Measurements: Sept 22, 2008
Calf 20 inches
Arm 14 inches
Thigh 30 inches
Waist 59 inches
Bust 48 inches

Measurements: October 25, 2008
Calf 18.5 inches -1.5
Arm 12.5 inches -1.5
Thigh 26 inches -4
Waist 55 inches -4
Bust 43 inches -5

16 inches lost!!!

What am I doing?

I have no idea why but I can't stop eating. I just want to eat and eat. I want to work out still but I am so hungry. I am trying to stay on point but it is so hard. I feel like I need to eat everything in the house to get rid of it and than start with a bare house. I wish that my family would all be on board and all be trying to diet and eat healthy. Erik really needs to and my oldest DD could stand to lose 5 lbs or so.

I am still fitting in smaller clothes which is good but at this rate I will be back up!

WHY OH WHY couldn't I be one of those people that are born skinny and stays skinny?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Weigh In Today not so great

This is me above in a size 14-16 top and it is not skin tight!
This is me in a MEDIUM yes you read that right MEDIUM Tank top from Kmart they had a .99 sale and I went and bought clothes for the next summer and it fit it is a bit shorter than what I would wear so when I lose the weight I am sure it will be perfect!

I thought I would be up it has been a rough week. I have been fighting with Erik, Zoe has been driving me insane, and I just didn't really stick to the points this week....oh and I only worked out 5 times this week. So I need to get my ass in gear and work out more.

I need to stick to the points plan.
I lost 4 oz........but I DIDN'T GAIN!

So I am happy I didn't gain and happy to get the kick in the rear and get myself smaller. I want to have a huge week next week I just have to!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I spent the day shopping

I went shopping today from 1030am until 6pm at night. I was all over and loved every minute of it. First I went to Avenue they have a 18.00 sale on pants so I wanted to see what fit. I fit into a 16 I LOVED THAT! It was great to be able to get into them. I tried on a 14-16 top it was adorable but it was 39.99 and I am not paying full price for clothes while I lose weight. Than I went and got another top on clearance and my boobs are so big from breastfeeding still that it looked awkward. I want big boobs but they need to be my normal size so I can wear cute shirts.

Next went to Old Navy I think it was the sweetheart jean not sure they have so many I fit into a 18 tight but they were on and............IT WAS MY FIRST TIME IN OLD NAVY IN THE LADIES DEPT SHOPPING FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always went right back to kids it was nice shopping in a regular store for me! I was having so much fun I bought a L and XL tank top dressy style for Disney. I got the XL on at home and it fit the L is snug I will have them taken in cause I only paid 99 cent for each shirt...........I love clearance in Old Navy!!!

After that I went to Kohls and got a cute XL top from the misses dept on clearance for 7.80 loved that! It was cute and I figure when I lose weight I can wear it for a swimwear coverup. The kids were running around like maniacs so we didn't last long in Kohls.

Finally we went to Cato and I got 3 new tops. Long sleeves for the winter and I went in and went to the plus size found cute tops 11.99 ok get a few of those see XL no 14-16 so I grab that and go for another color and get 18-20 cause I don't see XL. Well I got a pile that should have been in the Misses section yep yet again fit in the Misses section and went to the "other side" and got the XL in those shirts.

I had so much fun shopping spent less than 50.00 today on clothes! But got I think 8 tops!
Catch ya later!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Down 42 lbs in 3 months!!!!

I wasn't sure what to expect at this weigh in today and I was shocked! I lost 4.4 lbs! I am so excited. I got my 25 lb charm. Next week I hope to get my 10% keyring. I told everyone in the meeting of something that I did and I wanted to share it here.

Mya is a gymnast and Mikayla is a cheerleader they asked me could I do a kartwheel. I said back in the day yea...than I thought why not try it. Man it seems high from 5 foot 2 compared to 3 foot 2 when I was a kid throwing myself around in my grandmother's front yard. I looked at my husband and said do you think I will break a arm? He said no I said what than both arms? He said NO. I did it the kids laughed but my legs were not straight I wanted to get it right! I did it one more time and got scared and I stubbed my toe but I completed the rotation. I shared with everyone in the meeting I am doing this for my kids. When it all comes down to it my kids are my life. I am doing this so I can be healthy and be with them for a long long time. I want to be the fun mom with my kids who can keep right up with them.

I came home and Mikayla knew what today was and said how much mom? I said 4.4 lbs she has no idea what that is but she still was cheering mommy lost 4.4 lbs! Mya told me good job mom! I know that this time it is going to work I am going to be a skinny mom and Jalen will never know his mom as fat....obese.....chubby.....skinny challenged

My goal is to have 3.4 weeks for the next 2 week so I can be down 50 lbs since July 12 OMG I can't even believe I am saying that. Can you imagine from 313 to 260 something in this short amount of time?

I continue to exercise 2x a day. I also stay on point with WW as I am doing the flex program. After I get into the 100's I will do the core so I can retrain myself completely off of frozen meals and eat normally for the 1st time in my life with regular food just the right portion. Portion control is where it is at for me I have to learn that!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Over 4 Miles

I did it I walked over 4 miles today in 70 minutes!!! I am so excited. I wasn't even tired I would have done more but I had to get home. Walking away the pounds. I plan on walking some more this week and than going to the gym at night. I need to get to my 10% this month I MUST! I also have with WW 4 more lbs to lose to get to my 25 lbs lost. I have started before joining WW on this diet and it is working! I can't wait to post a new picture of myself as I am getting smaller!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Goodbye LB, Avenue, Plus size departments

The time has come to say goodbye. I have been your loyal customer for way to many years. This past week I took a turn and it was to the right side of the store....the misses department and NOT THE PLUS SIDE on the left. I WILL NEVER GO BACK! I have waited for this day for many years....probably about 20 years oh heck even more sadly I am sure. I have some new friends in new places, Old Navy, Cato, Fashion Bug, Limited, Target and my favorite Kohl's to name a few. I won't go back. I have been told that skinny tastes good....I am sure it does but at the moment I can say size 18 tastes good and I want to get smaller and smaller.

I have never had a style of my own it was always what the store had that fit me. I will be able to have my own style! Some days I think I want to be business casual in nice pants, a button down top and nice shoes. Other days I think nice jeans, cute tops, and boots. Than I think about summer I picture lots of sun dresses and cute sandals. I want to get a whole new haircut when I get to my goal size of a 6 or maybe a 8 depending on how I look.

I wonder if because I am going to have less fabric in the clothes if I can fit more in the closet? I am going to have a new addiction SHOPPING!

I love how size 18 tastes I can smell the 16 coming on over. I bet it tastes even better!

Why doesn't anyone notice?

Today we were at a festival in town and we saw some people we knew and no one said anything to me about losing weight. I am down 37 pounds and no one says anything. My friends who are also dieting with me one is down 62 lbs the other is in the same range as me we think (she hasn't stepped on the scale at all in the process) and people were telling them how good they look and how they came down in weight. What about me? Can they not tell because I am so big?

I went to work out last night I rode the bike for 25 minutes and did 4 miles and some change. I walked a mile on the treadmill in 25 minutes and did 10 minutes on the eliptical machine. I love working out in the gym. I feel so much better afterwards and I love sweating. I can't believe I am even saying that. But I love getting into smaller clothes. I love seeing my old clothes get bigger and bigger on me.

No one might notice at this point but I can assure you give me 2 more months and they will notice. I plan on being down 50 pounds total by than.

My goals

End of October 268 and fit in a size 16

End of November 258

End of December 248

End of January 238

End of February 228-I was around this weight in the picture above. But I was wearing a 16-18 at this point. My body has changed shape it is so bizarre. How I can weight as much as I do currently and I am in the same size. That or clothes just got bigger in size ranges.
This time next year I plan to be at my goal weight of 130 lbs.

Size 18....oh what a feeling

Ok so I had my weigh in on Thursday I was only down 1 pound but I must be up in muscle. I am not upset because I went to Cato a store here in town and tried on clothes after WW. I fit in a size 18 pants and 14-16 top. Here are some pics of me in the size 18 pants and I had the size 14-16 top on in pink and the blue top in the bottom pick is a 1x.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

My WORST Pictures

My two kids together are smaller than me...... OMG is that my stomach????????
Right here give me a kiss baby.....Thank God he sees my sense of humor and loves me beyond my fat.....he knows I am skinny under my fat.
Maybe this dress makes me look fat so many of my dreaded pics are in this dress. I guess this is my moomoo dress. I will burn this dress one day....I just wore it yesterday and it is so big on me already.....

My worst pictures....I can't wait to start posting new pictures where I look HOT!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Down 6.6 in 1 Week!!!!

May my son never remember his mother was fat.......
I lost 6.6 lbs this week. That is the exact size my son Jalen was when he was born 2 months 2 weeks 6 days ago! Total down 36 lbs in 2 1/2 months! I am so excited and I am so motivated. I realize that 6 lbs is not going to happen weekly but I am on my way to a size 8-10-12 whatever I end up as long as it isn't plus size. I went thru my closet today i took out size 22 clothes they were tight 22 fit good. 28 makes me look fatter than I am cause they are so big. 26 is loose on me and 24 is a good fit.

We are busy planning our Disney vacation and I can't tell you how excited I am to go to Disney in my dress I bought in size 16! I can't wait to wear it and have it fit!

Monday, September 22, 2008

My before picture 280 lbs

I look pregnant.....I had the baby 2 months ago....ughhhh

Do you know what it is like to be a fat girl? Maybe you have always been skinny....maybe you have been fat and know what I am talking case you don't here goes......

I have a great smile, a pretty face so I have been told over and over. Never those are great legs, or your arms look great. It is as if people felt they had to say something about me was pretty so they said oh you have a great smile. Great Wonderful ughhhhh NOT.

Sometimes I meet people only for a short while but I have a great memory (I should say I had a great memory cause after kids I am lucky I can remember all 4 of my kids names LOL) But I remember in college a guy named Fred he was roomies with a friend of mine. Fred was not really a friend of mine more like a aquaintance but I would think he would remember me. I saw Fred about 3 years after college walked right up to him and he could not remember me. That is the story of my life....I am the forgettable fat girl. Going out with friends meeting new people they always remember my friends but not me. I am invisible or perhaps they can't see thru the fat and to the fun person I am well hell more than fun AMAZING person I am and they just see fat so they don't think I am worth their time. Wrong people I can tell you that I am a great friend, wonderful mom, thoughtful human being, and you lost out. Fred you LOST buddy and to all the Freds before and after him YOU ALL LOST OUT!

Growing large isn't easy in your teenage years. My friends would all go shopping at the fun stores TOGETHER and I would run into Lane Bryant alone so hopefully no one would see me and I could get out quick. Going out to clubs they would hope to pick up guys I would hope I could get thru the night without anyone making fun of me. Walking across a street in NYC one night I fell and a guy screamed out Earthquake....I wasn't even that big I was maybe a size 14!

Being pregnant fat isn't a walk in the park. The dr. tells you not to gain weight....mine was convinced I would get gestational diabetes NEVER DID! I never got that cute basketball look to my belly, and shopping for plus size maternity clothes is damn expensive. If I were a regular size I could buy bigger clothes but no not me I had to get maternity clothes for a plus size woman. Labor was not enjoyable. I could only imagine the people's thoughts as I labored. I am sure it was awful sight. Maybe I had my kids so fast because I wanted to get it over with so these people didn't have to see me.

I used to not be so scared of things. Lately I am scared of lots of things. But I do miss one thing in particular. I used to ride a roller coaster in Seaside Heights. It was lots of fun I was scared the first time but after that first time I was hooked I went on it all the time. I don't go on roller coasters or many rides these days because I am scared I won't fit. Who wants to get up to the end of the line, try to get in and realize you don't fit. That is not my idea of fun. I hope by the time Disney comes I will feel comfortable enough to get on a ride and enjoy myself again.

I promise that I will not be the forgettable girl once this weight is off and the skinny me comes out from behind the fat.

Trust me I am really skinny under my fat!
Measurements: Sept 22, 2008
Calf 20 inches
Arm 14 inches
Thigh 30 inches
Waist 59 inches
Bust 48 inches

I will measure each month and hopefully watch these numbers go down.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I am down another 4 lbs this week in weight watchers!!!! I am so excited. We are going to Disney this year for our yearly trek and I decided today while walking my 3-4 miles a day that I would find out how many miles it is to Disney from our house and I would walk that many miles before Disney. We live 12 hours away and are going in 7 months so let's see what happens. I will update on the miles later and tell everyone how it goes.

So my kids. I have my oldest who is in the 95th percentile for weight. The Dr. said we need to watch her. I don't want her to be fat. I don't want her to go thru what I went thru as a fat kid. I work with her on choosing the right foods and portions but she still doesn't get it. She still wants to eat more. We fight over this all the time it is a daily battle. She is a dancer and cheerleader and to continue these she will have to lose some weight. I want her to lose 10lbs so she can lose her belly and some of her excess fat. Max 10 lbs more like 7 lbs so she can lose 10% of her body weight she is 70 lbs. My next child is the complete opposite. She is the athlete doing gymnastics and training 6 hours a week. She wants for Christmas a pull up bar that we can hang over the door so she can train at home. She has 0 body fat it seems and is so muscular. This is the kid who asks me to get her salad and celery for snack not a pop tart like my older child. Than our 3rd child she is solid solid as a rock LOL. She is almost 40 lbs and she is chubby but I think that I can help her with this by feeding her better foods. She needs to learn the right way to eat and she is still young enough to learn this. Plus I am surprised at her weight because she barely seems to eat a full meal. Our baby well he is only 2 months old can't tell with him yet but hopefully he will never remember his fat mom!

I am down to 284 as of last Thursday. I went out and bought all my WW meals for the coming week and I am set. I hope to be able to take off 4 lbs a week for the next few months before it starts to get tougher as I am sure it will.

I am doing this to show my kids that any obstacle can be overcome with hard work and determination. Also to show them how to be healthy and grow into healthy adults. I also am doing this to gain the confidence I need to get a great job that I am qualified for, to get the confidence to make a decision of should I stay or should I go.

Next up: The forgettable girl....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

September 16, 2008

Well no one will see this post unless I find the "Skinny under my fat". Why am I doing this? To hold myself accountable for my actions, the food I choose to eat, the time I choose to exercise, and the goals I set and attain for myself....or fail.

So today is the Biggest Loser season opener. Today I walked 2 miles in 40 minutes. Today I stuck to my weight watchers points. Today is the start of my tomorrow and everyday after. But I got to this point and I want to write about it here in case you have always been skinny, had a fast metabolism, exercised and always ate the right things. This is for the people who looked at fat people and made fun of them. This is for the fat people who want to know they are not alone. This is for me to remember how I got here so I NEVER go back!

I wish I could say I was born 20 lbs so I was off to a bad start but I was an average 6 poundish child and grew up a average weight from what I remember until I moved to NJ when my parents divorced....oh I can hear the backlash already oh because her parents divorced she is fat. NO that is not what I am saying. I remember being big in the 2nd grade bigger than the other girls shopping for 1st communion dresses. I still had a cute dress but I don't forget the problems finding one that fit. The worst weigh in ever was in the 3rd grade....I weighed 130 lbs how is that possible and why would I remember that? My teacher looked at the scale looked at me and said Michelle you need to lose weight you weigh the same as me. I was humiliated I really liked my teacher and she was so upset with me. In 8th grade my aunt gave birth to my grandparents 2nd grand daughter they had other boy grandchildren but I was the 1st and only grand daughter for 13 years. I was sad and decided to walk to Buxtons the ice cream shop up the road and get a sundae. Food was my friend. I have decided to end this friendship and use food only when it is needed. Only when it is right for me not when I feel like I need something to eat.

Growing up in a single parent household with a mom who was a waitress money was tight. I can tell you as a mom it is expensive to eat right. We didn't have many meats lots of pasta. PASTA PASTA PASTA
  • mac and cheese with parm cheese
  • noodles and white sauce with lots of parm cheese
  • fettuchini alfredo with parm cheese
  • stuffed shells and marinara sauce with parm cheese

As you can see Parm Cheese was considered a vegetable in my household. I still have a pot that I made mac and cheese in when I was a teenager and to this day I can't use it because I think ughhh this helped me get this way. Food became my friend and it never let me down. I could eat at any time, food was available but not good food choices. Soda was also another big downfall for me. I grew up drinking Food Town brand 3 liter sodas grape, orange, lemon lime never any juice. Water what was that?

I remember one day walking home from the bus and seeing some kids walking at me. I hated where I lived we had some bad kids in the area and they started to make fun of me and I was embarrassed. I tried to diet as a child, teen but never really stuck to anything. I never lost only gained. I used to wear sweats all the time they were comfortable and they fit. Jeans were to tight, regular teen clothes I couldn't wear you just couldn't find cool clothes in plus sizes. My aunt took me to Macy's for my 14th birthday and said your mom can't let you walk around in sweats forever and she took me to the junior department and got me a cool outfit in the biggest size that the junior department had. She was getting bad at having to take me to the largest size I remember praying trying on the pants that they would fit. Thankfully they did. School sports in high school I would have loved to played. We had gymnastics and I thought how cool that would be to do that. Volleyball was huge in my school I was great at it in gym and wished I would be picked for the team but it didn't happen....I was to big. School plays all my friends went in them I tried out made the play but dropped out fearful of what I would wear how would they find a costume for me?

Boys......oh lord many many mistakes because I felt that was what I deserved. I am fat that is why he cheated on me, I am fat this is why he is lieing to me, I am fat that is why he doesn't tell people I am his girl friend, I am fat I am lucky he is my boyfriend so I better buy him that outfit, ring, give him that money I worked for. Thankfully I met a man who loved me for me....although he met me while I was on phen-fen lost some weight not tons I was a size 16, had a long weave in with brown hair and blond highlights and blue contacts in.....Beyonce not me. But still he loved me no weave, contacts and a extra 10 lbs for every year we have been together.

So the numbers

weight highest 313 when I gave birth to my son and final child on July 12, 2008

September 16, 2008 289 down 24 lbs in 8 weeks!!!!!!

Goal to be a size 12/14 not sure how much that would be in weight but I just want to be able to walk into a regular size store and BUY SOMETHING ANYTHING THAT I LIKE!

I will update this site weekly after I go to my weigh in on Thursdays at weight watchers and any time in between that I feel like I need to vent.

As I say to my kids....I am skinny under my clothes.

NEXT:My children