Monday, September 22, 2008

My before picture 280 lbs

I look pregnant.....I had the baby 2 months ago....ughhhh

Do you know what it is like to be a fat girl? Maybe you have always been skinny....maybe you have been fat and know what I am talking case you don't here goes......

I have a great smile, a pretty face so I have been told over and over. Never those are great legs, or your arms look great. It is as if people felt they had to say something about me was pretty so they said oh you have a great smile. Great Wonderful ughhhhh NOT.

Sometimes I meet people only for a short while but I have a great memory (I should say I had a great memory cause after kids I am lucky I can remember all 4 of my kids names LOL) But I remember in college a guy named Fred he was roomies with a friend of mine. Fred was not really a friend of mine more like a aquaintance but I would think he would remember me. I saw Fred about 3 years after college walked right up to him and he could not remember me. That is the story of my life....I am the forgettable fat girl. Going out with friends meeting new people they always remember my friends but not me. I am invisible or perhaps they can't see thru the fat and to the fun person I am well hell more than fun AMAZING person I am and they just see fat so they don't think I am worth their time. Wrong people I can tell you that I am a great friend, wonderful mom, thoughtful human being, and you lost out. Fred you LOST buddy and to all the Freds before and after him YOU ALL LOST OUT!

Growing large isn't easy in your teenage years. My friends would all go shopping at the fun stores TOGETHER and I would run into Lane Bryant alone so hopefully no one would see me and I could get out quick. Going out to clubs they would hope to pick up guys I would hope I could get thru the night without anyone making fun of me. Walking across a street in NYC one night I fell and a guy screamed out Earthquake....I wasn't even that big I was maybe a size 14!

Being pregnant fat isn't a walk in the park. The dr. tells you not to gain weight....mine was convinced I would get gestational diabetes NEVER DID! I never got that cute basketball look to my belly, and shopping for plus size maternity clothes is damn expensive. If I were a regular size I could buy bigger clothes but no not me I had to get maternity clothes for a plus size woman. Labor was not enjoyable. I could only imagine the people's thoughts as I labored. I am sure it was awful sight. Maybe I had my kids so fast because I wanted to get it over with so these people didn't have to see me.

I used to not be so scared of things. Lately I am scared of lots of things. But I do miss one thing in particular. I used to ride a roller coaster in Seaside Heights. It was lots of fun I was scared the first time but after that first time I was hooked I went on it all the time. I don't go on roller coasters or many rides these days because I am scared I won't fit. Who wants to get up to the end of the line, try to get in and realize you don't fit. That is not my idea of fun. I hope by the time Disney comes I will feel comfortable enough to get on a ride and enjoy myself again.

I promise that I will not be the forgettable girl once this weight is off and the skinny me comes out from behind the fat.

Trust me I am really skinny under my fat!
Measurements: Sept 22, 2008
Calf 20 inches
Arm 14 inches
Thigh 30 inches
Waist 59 inches
Bust 48 inches

I will measure each month and hopefully watch these numbers go down.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I am down another 4 lbs this week in weight watchers!!!! I am so excited. We are going to Disney this year for our yearly trek and I decided today while walking my 3-4 miles a day that I would find out how many miles it is to Disney from our house and I would walk that many miles before Disney. We live 12 hours away and are going in 7 months so let's see what happens. I will update on the miles later and tell everyone how it goes.

So my kids. I have my oldest who is in the 95th percentile for weight. The Dr. said we need to watch her. I don't want her to be fat. I don't want her to go thru what I went thru as a fat kid. I work with her on choosing the right foods and portions but she still doesn't get it. She still wants to eat more. We fight over this all the time it is a daily battle. She is a dancer and cheerleader and to continue these she will have to lose some weight. I want her to lose 10lbs so she can lose her belly and some of her excess fat. Max 10 lbs more like 7 lbs so she can lose 10% of her body weight she is 70 lbs. My next child is the complete opposite. She is the athlete doing gymnastics and training 6 hours a week. She wants for Christmas a pull up bar that we can hang over the door so she can train at home. She has 0 body fat it seems and is so muscular. This is the kid who asks me to get her salad and celery for snack not a pop tart like my older child. Than our 3rd child she is solid solid as a rock LOL. She is almost 40 lbs and she is chubby but I think that I can help her with this by feeding her better foods. She needs to learn the right way to eat and she is still young enough to learn this. Plus I am surprised at her weight because she barely seems to eat a full meal. Our baby well he is only 2 months old can't tell with him yet but hopefully he will never remember his fat mom!

I am down to 284 as of last Thursday. I went out and bought all my WW meals for the coming week and I am set. I hope to be able to take off 4 lbs a week for the next few months before it starts to get tougher as I am sure it will.

I am doing this to show my kids that any obstacle can be overcome with hard work and determination. Also to show them how to be healthy and grow into healthy adults. I also am doing this to gain the confidence I need to get a great job that I am qualified for, to get the confidence to make a decision of should I stay or should I go.

Next up: The forgettable girl....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

September 16, 2008

Well no one will see this post unless I find the "Skinny under my fat". Why am I doing this? To hold myself accountable for my actions, the food I choose to eat, the time I choose to exercise, and the goals I set and attain for myself....or fail.

So today is the Biggest Loser season opener. Today I walked 2 miles in 40 minutes. Today I stuck to my weight watchers points. Today is the start of my tomorrow and everyday after. But I got to this point and I want to write about it here in case you have always been skinny, had a fast metabolism, exercised and always ate the right things. This is for the people who looked at fat people and made fun of them. This is for the fat people who want to know they are not alone. This is for me to remember how I got here so I NEVER go back!

I wish I could say I was born 20 lbs so I was off to a bad start but I was an average 6 poundish child and grew up a average weight from what I remember until I moved to NJ when my parents divorced....oh I can hear the backlash already oh because her parents divorced she is fat. NO that is not what I am saying. I remember being big in the 2nd grade bigger than the other girls shopping for 1st communion dresses. I still had a cute dress but I don't forget the problems finding one that fit. The worst weigh in ever was in the 3rd grade....I weighed 130 lbs how is that possible and why would I remember that? My teacher looked at the scale looked at me and said Michelle you need to lose weight you weigh the same as me. I was humiliated I really liked my teacher and she was so upset with me. In 8th grade my aunt gave birth to my grandparents 2nd grand daughter they had other boy grandchildren but I was the 1st and only grand daughter for 13 years. I was sad and decided to walk to Buxtons the ice cream shop up the road and get a sundae. Food was my friend. I have decided to end this friendship and use food only when it is needed. Only when it is right for me not when I feel like I need something to eat.

Growing up in a single parent household with a mom who was a waitress money was tight. I can tell you as a mom it is expensive to eat right. We didn't have many meats lots of pasta. PASTA PASTA PASTA
  • mac and cheese with parm cheese
  • noodles and white sauce with lots of parm cheese
  • fettuchini alfredo with parm cheese
  • stuffed shells and marinara sauce with parm cheese

As you can see Parm Cheese was considered a vegetable in my household. I still have a pot that I made mac and cheese in when I was a teenager and to this day I can't use it because I think ughhh this helped me get this way. Food became my friend and it never let me down. I could eat at any time, food was available but not good food choices. Soda was also another big downfall for me. I grew up drinking Food Town brand 3 liter sodas grape, orange, lemon lime never any juice. Water what was that?

I remember one day walking home from the bus and seeing some kids walking at me. I hated where I lived we had some bad kids in the area and they started to make fun of me and I was embarrassed. I tried to diet as a child, teen but never really stuck to anything. I never lost only gained. I used to wear sweats all the time they were comfortable and they fit. Jeans were to tight, regular teen clothes I couldn't wear you just couldn't find cool clothes in plus sizes. My aunt took me to Macy's for my 14th birthday and said your mom can't let you walk around in sweats forever and she took me to the junior department and got me a cool outfit in the biggest size that the junior department had. She was getting bad at having to take me to the largest size I remember praying trying on the pants that they would fit. Thankfully they did. School sports in high school I would have loved to played. We had gymnastics and I thought how cool that would be to do that. Volleyball was huge in my school I was great at it in gym and wished I would be picked for the team but it didn't happen....I was to big. School plays all my friends went in them I tried out made the play but dropped out fearful of what I would wear how would they find a costume for me?

Boys......oh lord many many mistakes because I felt that was what I deserved. I am fat that is why he cheated on me, I am fat this is why he is lieing to me, I am fat that is why he doesn't tell people I am his girl friend, I am fat I am lucky he is my boyfriend so I better buy him that outfit, ring, give him that money I worked for. Thankfully I met a man who loved me for me....although he met me while I was on phen-fen lost some weight not tons I was a size 16, had a long weave in with brown hair and blond highlights and blue contacts in.....Beyonce not me. But still he loved me no weave, contacts and a extra 10 lbs for every year we have been together.

So the numbers

weight highest 313 when I gave birth to my son and final child on July 12, 2008

September 16, 2008 289 down 24 lbs in 8 weeks!!!!!!

Goal to be a size 12/14 not sure how much that would be in weight but I just want to be able to walk into a regular size store and BUY SOMETHING ANYTHING THAT I LIKE!

I will update this site weekly after I go to my weigh in on Thursdays at weight watchers and any time in between that I feel like I need to vent.

As I say to my kids....I am skinny under my clothes.

NEXT:My children