Tuesday, September 16, 2008

September 16, 2008

Well no one will see this post unless I find the "Skinny under my fat". Why am I doing this? To hold myself accountable for my actions, the food I choose to eat, the time I choose to exercise, and the goals I set and attain for myself....or fail.

So today is the Biggest Loser season opener. Today I walked 2 miles in 40 minutes. Today I stuck to my weight watchers points. Today is the start of my tomorrow and everyday after. But I got to this point and I want to write about it here in case you have always been skinny, had a fast metabolism, exercised and always ate the right things. This is for the people who looked at fat people and made fun of them. This is for the fat people who want to know they are not alone. This is for me to remember how I got here so I NEVER go back!

I wish I could say I was born 20 lbs so I was off to a bad start but I was an average 6 poundish child and grew up a average weight from what I remember until I moved to NJ when my parents divorced....oh I can hear the backlash already oh because her parents divorced she is fat. NO that is not what I am saying. I remember being big in the 2nd grade bigger than the other girls shopping for 1st communion dresses. I still had a cute dress but I don't forget the problems finding one that fit. The worst weigh in ever was in the 3rd grade....I weighed 130 lbs how is that possible and why would I remember that? My teacher looked at the scale looked at me and said Michelle you need to lose weight you weigh the same as me. I was humiliated I really liked my teacher and she was so upset with me. In 8th grade my aunt gave birth to my grandparents 2nd grand daughter they had other boy grandchildren but I was the 1st and only grand daughter for 13 years. I was sad and decided to walk to Buxtons the ice cream shop up the road and get a sundae. Food was my friend. I have decided to end this friendship and use food only when it is needed. Only when it is right for me not when I feel like I need something to eat.

Growing up in a single parent household with a mom who was a waitress money was tight. I can tell you as a mom it is expensive to eat right. We didn't have many meats lots of pasta. PASTA PASTA PASTA
  • mac and cheese with parm cheese
  • noodles and white sauce with lots of parm cheese
  • fettuchini alfredo with parm cheese
  • stuffed shells and marinara sauce with parm cheese

As you can see Parm Cheese was considered a vegetable in my household. I still have a pot that I made mac and cheese in when I was a teenager and to this day I can't use it because I think ughhh this helped me get this way. Food became my friend and it never let me down. I could eat at any time, food was available but not good food choices. Soda was also another big downfall for me. I grew up drinking Food Town brand 3 liter sodas grape, orange, lemon lime never any juice. Water what was that?

I remember one day walking home from the bus and seeing some kids walking at me. I hated where I lived we had some bad kids in the area and they started to make fun of me and I was embarrassed. I tried to diet as a child, teen but never really stuck to anything. I never lost only gained. I used to wear sweats all the time they were comfortable and they fit. Jeans were to tight, regular teen clothes I couldn't wear you just couldn't find cool clothes in plus sizes. My aunt took me to Macy's for my 14th birthday and said your mom can't let you walk around in sweats forever and she took me to the junior department and got me a cool outfit in the biggest size that the junior department had. She was getting bad at having to take me to the largest size I remember praying trying on the pants that they would fit. Thankfully they did. School sports in high school I would have loved to played. We had gymnastics and I thought how cool that would be to do that. Volleyball was huge in my school I was great at it in gym and wished I would be picked for the team but it didn't happen....I was to big. School plays all my friends went in them I tried out made the play but dropped out fearful of what I would wear how would they find a costume for me?

Boys......oh lord many many mistakes because I felt that was what I deserved. I am fat that is why he cheated on me, I am fat this is why he is lieing to me, I am fat that is why he doesn't tell people I am his girl friend, I am fat I am lucky he is my boyfriend so I better buy him that outfit, ring, give him that money I worked for. Thankfully I met a man who loved me for me....although he met me while I was on phen-fen lost some weight not tons I was a size 16, had a long weave in with brown hair and blond highlights and blue contacts in.....Beyonce looking....so not me. But still he loved me no weave, contacts and a extra 10 lbs for every year we have been together.

So the numbers

weight highest 313 when I gave birth to my son and final child on July 12, 2008

September 16, 2008 289 down 24 lbs in 8 weeks!!!!!!

Goal to be a size 12/14 not sure how much that would be in weight but I just want to be able to walk into a regular size store and BUY SOMETHING ANYTHING THAT I LIKE!

I will update this site weekly after I go to my weigh in on Thursdays at weight watchers and any time in between that I feel like I need to vent.

As I say to my kids....I am skinny under my clothes.

NEXT:My children

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