Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My Birthday...DREADED CAKE

So it was my Bday on Sunday I turned the big 35. This is a big number for me because I started my weight loss journey so that when I got to 35-36 the age when most of my family and friends went downhill health wise (diabetes, cholesterol issues) and I didn't want that to happen to me.

I have a addiction that I have not conquered yet. I am addicted to food. I love it. I crave it. I need to eat it and it makes me feel better. I have not gotten to the point where I can turn away from food when I am upset, happy, whatever feeling. It is a illness I admit it and I am trying to change it.

Knowing this my when my husband asked me what kind of cake I wanted I said let's go for ice cream it will cost the same as a cake and it won't be sitting in the house and I won't have to worry about eating it. He said no a cake is a tradition. Well we see where that tradition has gotten us. Diabetes for him, severly obese for me, and 4 kids who can easily be both of what we have.

He left in the middle of the afternoon got my car detailed and brought home cake, flowers, and cards. I was upset inside telling myself you can do this just have your one piece and be done. Oh and he brought home ice cream 1/3 of the fat breyers cookies and cream and vanilla. After dinner (I was willing to eat a birthday dinner of my choice not dessert that would be in the house) of nachos with lean meat, tortilla chips and light sour cream and cheddar cheese the cake comes out! It was a huge double layer fudge cake with big pieces of chocolate cake on top. I have a picture in this post of one that is similar but mine was huge!

It was me, my husband, and 3 little girls eating this monstrous cake. We had a little over a 1/2 on Sunday. Monday I ate cake and ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner. 3x cake and ice cream. I actually went and walked 5 miles last night came home watched the bachelorette and I told my husband when I was leaving please make the cake disappear. Please throw it out or you eat it so I don't see it when I get home. I went to get a drink the cake was in the fridge it was midnight I ate the last piece which was really the size of 2 pieces. No ice cream though! I am mad at myself but also feel like I NEED HELP! No he didn't put the cake in my mouth, no he didn't tell me eat this or I will leave you. He just did what most people do for birthdays and had cake for me. But why can't he see that things I shouldn't eat are like a alcoholic going to a bar for the peanuts. They know they shouldn't have a drink but they do and they just let it go and have as many as they want.

I am battling a addiction. I can't say no. I am fine when it isn't in the house. I don't go out to get ice cream or cake at a drive thru and not have it in the house I just don't eat it. I can't have it in my home. I really need to talk to him about this or even doing cupcakes so that way we each have a little piece and that is it they are gone.

I feel bad....the scale is up....I need to work out even harder to get this cake off my body and I need to move on. I need to talk to my husband and make sure that he is on the same page as me and know that I am serious about it. I might have him look at this post so he knows how I feel ughhhh why me???? Why can't I be the skinny girl who can eat whatever she wants but not gain weight!


The Incredible Shrinking Family said...

Happy birthday anyway ! Here is a trick you might want to try. Next time cake makes an apperance, imagine that someone stuck a bunch of cigarette butts in it and then hid them with frosting. It works for me- I visualize all kinds of nasty things hidden under the frosting and filling

Ida said...

I think of it as poison and if I eat it, I will die. Which isn't too far fetched. Good luck getting hubby to see things through your eyes. Be sure you let him know how much you appreciate the thought and love him for it. You don't want rejecting the cake to turn into rejecting him.