Saturday, February 25, 2012

What if I die?

I have to admit I am going into this surgery knowing all the risks....well I say all but I am sure somei haven't heard about. But in my perfect surgery "dream" I will drift off asleep dreaming of my beautiful babies and husband waiting for me in the waiting room. I will be praying as much as I miss my grandma that I don't see her waiting for me. I just know when my time comes I will see her beautiful face welcoming me to heaven but my surgery day is NOT THAT DAY! In like 70 years ok but not my surgery day! I will wake up no tubes in me scared of that damn feeding tube and the nice nurse saying wake up Michelle you did great! I will feel around for a drain in my pain free body and ask her no drain? She will tell me no drain and I will feel great at the start of my new life.....AHHH THIS IS ALL A DREAM.

In reality I could very well die in the operating room. I know that my spirit will fight to come back i know I am a fighter. But at he end of the day I can't decide when is my time. I haven't really told many people about my surgery but I will prepare notes that I leave in a box under my bed for the what if's. I have certain people that I would like to step up and help with my kids. I also have special things I would like my children to know about as they grow up so I think a letter and journal are fitting for them. I also want my husband to know how mucho love him and to have that letter as a reminder for the rest of his life. Hopefully his long long life!

I am doing this surgery to be healthy. I know it is only a matter of time before my body starts to give out. No one can be as healthy as I have been at this weight forever. So I must do something to to dieting isn't working!

So if you are reading this and believe in the power of prayer please pray for me and all the hospital staff who work with me that God watches over us. I know I am in good hands with my surgeon.

I asked y husband is he worried he said no they have. One so far with this surgery I know you will be ok. I know in my heart I will be ok and no,after what happens to keep in mind why I did this. Pain may not last forever and I will be starting the life I always dreamed of.


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