What if I die?

I have to admit I am going into this surgery knowing all the risks....well I say all but I am sure somei haven't heard about. But in my perfect surgery "dream" I will drift off asleep dreaming of my beautiful babies and husband waiting for me in the waiting room. I will be praying as much as I miss my grandma that I don't see her waiting for me. I just know when my time comes I will see her beautiful face welcoming me to heaven but my surgery day is NOT THAT DAY! In like 70 years ok but not my surgery day! I will wake up no tubes in me scared of that damn feeding tube and the nice nurse saying wake up Michelle you did great! I will feel around for a drain in my pain free body and ask her no drain? She will tell me no drain and I will feel great at the start of my new life.....AHHH THIS IS ALL A DREAM.

In reality I could very well die in the operating room. I know that my spirit will fight to come back i know I am a fighter. But at he end of the day I can't decide when is my time. I haven't really told many people about my surgery but I will prepare notes that I leave in a box under my bed for the what if's. I have certain people that I would like to step up and help with my kids. I also have special things I would like my children to know about as they grow up so I think a letter and journal are fitting for them. I also want my husband to know how mucho love him and to have that letter as a reminder for the rest of his life. Hopefully his long long life!

I am doing this surgery to be healthy. I know it is only a matter of time before my body starts to give out. No one can be as healthy as I have been at this weight forever. So I must do something to to dieting isn't working!

So if you are reading this and believe in the power of prayer please pray for me and all the hospital staff who work with me that God watches over us. I know I am in good hands with my surgeon.

I asked y husband is he worried he said no they have. One so far with this surgery I know you will be ok. I know in my heart I will be ok and no,after what happens to keep in mind why I did this. Pain may not last forever and I will be starting the life I always dreamed of.

Michelle

Goal List and Stuff

So I have Sleep Apnea and that helps with getting the surgery approved. I snore....loud my kids say.....but hopefully I won't forever. I am at such peace with my decision to have this surgery.ni look forward to using this tool to help me keep my weight off and maintain it. Sure I know I can lose it but I can't maintain it I need some help!

I have found some great articles, blogs, and forums for weight loss surgery. They are so helpful in seeing the good, the bad, and truthfully the ugly. I have to clarify ugly being wound care, drains, things of that nature not really ugly but a fact of life with the surgery. I know I will have pain but I know it won't last forever I will feel better one day and I will be healthy. All worth the few days weeks if necessary to heal and get healthy! Someone remind me of that statement when I am whining about the pain. HAHA

My kids are hysterical I explained mommy is having surgery for weight loss....every time I go to a dr visit my youngest sees me and says mommy what happened your not skinny yet! I tell her it is a process.

I decided to make a Liston goals for after surgery....something I can check off and will surely check off each one.

Fit in a size 16 pants baggy

Fit Ina size 14 baggy

Fit Ina size 12 baggy

Fit in a size 10 baggy

Get into a size 8 and finally be a single digit!

Ride on a roller coaster with my daughter

Buys pair of tap shoes and dance with my daughter

Run a 5k with all of my kids

Run a sprint triathalon

Run a half marathon in under 3 hours

Run a marathon

Do a half ironman.....no desire to ever do a full but I want to do a half by the time I am 40

I want to own a little black dress

For my 15th anniversary I want to wear my dream wedding gown and renew my vows with my husband

Wear skinny jeans and a paid of high boots

I am sure I will think of more but I just have one final one....to be in the normal range for BMI!!!!!!

I am so excited for the future I can't wait to start living my life to its fullest potential.

Here's to finding the skinny under my fat!

My journey so far ;-)

Hey I consider every day of my life a journey so here is what has been going on. I went and my with the nutritionist she was great and I feel so informed on what I should and should not be eating. I will not buy 100 calories packs or frozen diet meals again. I found this great blog Bariatric Foodie LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I am going away this weekend and I am working on my recipe binder. I will eat the same things as my family and they will eat healthy with me. My kids won't have to worry about facing major surgery like I am.

I have started to incorporate some eating practices for after surgery.

No chewing gum....psych dr said chew Altoids yay

No liquids with dinner stopping a half hour before and not drinking until a half hour later.

Chewing my food to a purée....I have to say the food really does taste better....I was eating so fast I don't think I actually tasted the food before.

I am back in the gym and I have a new found respect for my body. I know what I am capable of...GREATNESS LOL...but it is trapped in this shell. I can't wait to be free of this excess fat and get moving but until that times will keep moving forward with my working out change in diet and excited feeling for when I am on the other side. I never thought I would sayi want to be on the loser bench haha!

So I did 1 weight check of 4 months last one is April 27!!!!

I went to the psychiatrist that was fun haha

I met with the nutritionist and learned a ton.

Tuesday I go for my sleep study. I work in the middle of the night delivering papers I am looking forward to a full nights sleep.

Everyone so far has said they will recommend me for gastric bypass!!!!!!

All I have left are confirming my PCP sent over my last 2 years weights. Plus 3 more months of weight checks by my dr.

I love the support I have found online. Many people are not happy with my choice but I am!!!!

Here's to finding the Skinny Under My Fat!!!